Back to Work I Go

So the day I had been dreading is finally here. Normally after some time off, most people wouldn't say they looked forward to going back to work but I doubt many cry over it. This morning as I brushed my teeth, my stomach was in knots at the thought of returning. I seriously contemplated calling in but instead forced myself to continue getting ready. I pulled on some maternity jeans and an ill-fitting work shirt, all the while cursing myself for refusing to buy bigger pants as I transition back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Just another reminder of what I'd lost as I walked out the door. 

As I drove to work, I try to pinpoint the exact reason I am dreading my return so much. I have a good job and am very blessed to say I work with some wonderful people who truly care about me. Yet, I have had the fleeting thought to quite so that I could avoid returning. But my job and coworkers aren’t the real problems, it’s more of what the return signifies. Returning to work is a part of resuming my normal life, and it’s so hard to do things that are “normal” when your life feels anything but. After so much time away from everyone while on modified bedrest and then maternity leave I feel like I’m admitting defeat. I go back to my old life and my old job and resume life just as it was before I was pregnant except I didn’t get to keep the thing I have worked so hard for, Adaline. I return knowing that some will treat me differently and look at me with pity in their eyes. Others will be unaware of my situation and ask a generally thoughtful and innocent question, “How’s the baby? How are you doing?”. All loaded questions that will inevitably hurt for me to respond to and lead me to feel awkward as I have to explain to someone that my little girl passed away.

The day has its ups and downs. My coworkers went out of their way to welcome me back, placing a beautiful orchid on my desk, along with snacks, and a welcome back drawing. Many people come by to say hello and give me a brief hug. It’s nice to know how much everyone cares, but it also reminds me how different I wish my return could be. I would rather be crying because I had to put Adaline in daycare and seeking my coworkers out as I shared pictures of her as she grows. Instead, I hide out at my desk, blot my tears away quickly, and try to ease back into work. All I can do is take it one day at a time as I return to my new normal.