Remembering to Live

Life after losing your baby is HARD. The grief is indescribable and often times I find myself doing things to shield myself from it. At some point right after the loss, once you've cried yourself out, it's almost like you go numb. I guess that's the way your mind copes with too much pain, it just shuts down to protect itself. This happened at first for me but once the realization set, in that Adaline was really gone and I was once again a childless mother, the feeling returned. The returning sadness was more subtle, not so strong that it knocked me down and left me unable to do anything but sob. It comes in waves, at times I feel normal and other days it's almost as strong as when I first lost them.

As a way of coping, I find myself drowning out my thoughts. I leave the television on in the background, while I score the internet for information, and constantly check my phone. Anything to distract me from my sadness.

Today, Matt & I go on a walk with Breck and talk about the weather. It's been an incredibly hot summer and Matt mentions he cannot wait for fall. I chime in in agreement and add that I can't wait for next year, because maybe next year we will finally have a healthy baby. That's when I realize, that I am alive but I am not really living. I'm either going through the motions of my life to get by or obsessing over what we can try to have a baby (adoption, surrogacy, chancing another pregnancy myself).

You would think by now I should have learned, LIFE IS SHORT. I'm not promised another day with anyone, and as such, I should be living it to the fullest. Not trying to fast forward to a time when I think I'll be happier. Easier said than done I know, but I am going to try and remember how to live.