The Worst Parts

A list of the hardest parts of losing a child.

1. Losing your baby.

The rest of these never even come close.

• Worrying that if I try again I will lose another child.

• Worrying that if I try again I will die.

• Worrying that if I don't take the above risks I will NEVER raise a child.

• Seeing countless baby emails in my inbox, reminding me what milestones I won't see and what cute baby items I don't need.

• Getting a new notification from my pregnancy app, which I forgot to delete, regarding this weeks stage of pregnancy, which I will never experience.

• Unexpectedly receiving congratulations cards and baby items in the mail, giving me a punch in the gut.

• Seeing EVERYONE you know post pictures of their healthy baby on Facebook.

• Watching the news to find someone else didn't treat their baby as something precious and treasured and wondering why they got to have a healthy baby and I don't.

• Hating myself.

• Blaming myself.

• Feeling like I KEEP letting my husband down.

• Looking in the mirror and forgetting for a moment that I'm not pregnant anymore, I just look like I am.

• Having to still wear maternity clothes because nothing else fits.

• Having a house full of baby items but no baby.

• Worrying my mom will never get to watch her grandbabies grow up.

• Crying all the time.

• Feeling overly sensitive to everything because I'm emotionally raw.

• Being afraid to have hope.

• Having EVERY memory I have with my children tinged with sadness.

• Feeling like nothing really matters anymore.