Adaline

Here we go again. While our hearts are by no means healed after our two losses, Matt and I decide to try for a baby again. We set up a consultation with a Fetal Maternal Medicine doctor to talk about what future pregnancies for me will be like. Most important we discuss what we can do to have a baby at term. Because I went into spontaneous labor with Warren with no risk factor or family history of preterm labor, the doc lists several things we can consider doing the next time around but has no guarantees. He suggests bed rest if feasible, progesterone shots, increased visits, and possibly a cervical cerclage. I am willing to do anything necessary to bring home a baby.

In mid October, just six months after the loss of Warren, Matt and I find we are pregnant once again. While it's a result I wanted, it's hard to enjoy a pregnancy after experiencing lost. I want to just flash forward to nine months later when I'm holding a perfectly healthy little baby. I make a doctor's appointment and wait impatiently for that first appointment.

Late November, Matt and I are able to breathe a small sigh of relief when we hear babies first heartbeat. At this point, we know all we can do is take it day by day and be thankful. As so many pregnancies end before they even begin we knew this strong, little heartbeat was a good sign. We discuss the care I will receive during the pregnancy with the doctor, including ultrasounds at every appointment up until 24 weeks to measure cervical length, progesterone shots starting at 16 weeks, and modified bed rest beginning at 24 weeks. We are nervous but still excited as we leave the office.

Over the next several weeks, Matt and I continue to receive good news about the status of my pregnancy. I tell my friends and family, who are all so excited for us. My cervix doesn't budge in length which is wonderful. Matt starts administering the weekly progesterone shots, which look scary but aren't really bad at all. We receive another negative Quad Screen and have two glowing anatomy scans. Around that time, we learn we are having a sweet little girl, which I keep secret from everyone so that I can have a reveal party. (Well almost a complete secret; I accidentally, let slip the gender to my boss while telling her a wonderful story of how Matt nearly told my mom the gender.) I eventually went on modified bed rest and while I missed interacting with my coworkers terribly, everything was going perfectly.

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Before I knew it Adaline was older than Warren would ever be, which of course made me cry. While I was obviously happy to have passed the 24 week mark and then reach weeks 25 & 26, it was a sad reminder that Warren wasn't here any longer. I tried as best I could to remain positive during my pregnancy with Adaline as I didn't want me being sad to somehow affect the pregnancy. I still had days were I was overcome by grief for Warren but for the most part I remained cheerful and focused on doing what was best for Adaline.

I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, which was great because I felt like I could barely breathe! Matt and I just needed to put the finishing touches on the wilderness themed nursery. It was packed full after a couple years of me collecting from previous pregnancies and two AMAZING showers thrown by family and friends. My hospital bag was packed and the c-section was scheduled for June 19. Matt and I could hardly wait! I told him I nearly couldn't believe how well this pregnancy was going, I was SO happy.

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Fate had a different plan for us though. On June 9, I woke up early in a bit of discomfort. At first I thought I was having Braxton Hicks contractions but after getting up to use the restroom and experiencing a couple more contractions I thought a hospital visit wouldn't hurt. Matt was still in bed when I told him I thought we might need to go to the hospital. He went and jumped in the shower while I tried to call the nurse hotline (as I was a high-risk pregnancy I was given 24 hour access to the nurses in case I had any questions about my symptoms). Matt showered quickly and was ready to go before I even found the number so he said it's probably best if we just go ahead and head that way. I agreed and we headed for the car, my contractions were becoming more frequent and I told him to please hurry. Matt noticed my panic and asked if I wanted to wait for an ambulance but I said no that will probably take longer just drive fast. I laid back the seat and have no idea how fast Matt drove but I doubt the car could have went much faster. My pain increased tremendously as we were driving and I remember screaming out in pain. I know Matt was nervous and he tried to calm me but it was no use, there was no relief between contractions and I felt like I was dying the pain was so intense.

We reached the hospital quickly although it felt like eternity. Matt quickly got me in a wheel chair as I could barely stand let alone walk, and we rushed to the triage. We were frustrated with the lack of directions and got a bit lost but finally made it. The triage nurse seemed to take her sweet time as she checked me into the hospital. I kept telling her I wasn't supposed to be in labor as I was scheduled for a c-section to avoid complications but she seemed to care less. She slowly went through the process of checking us in and then walked us to a triage room to be evaluated. The nurses in this area were even less caring in my opinion. When I explained that I didn't think I could walk to a room the nurse snapped to push me into room 1. A nearby doctor heard my distress and came to evaluate me quickly because she said I sounded like I was in so much pain. After she discovered I was only 2 cm dilated though she left seemingly unconcerned. The triage nurse came back with a belly monitor to check on Adaline and couldn't find a heartbeat. At this time I really started panicking and she told me to give her a second in a tone of exasperation. When she still couldn't find the heartbeat she said she was leaving to get an ultrasound machine. This also seemed to take forever, her motions in no way conveyed that this situation could be an emergency and she should act quickly. She returned with the machine and a midwife who checked for Adaline's heartbeat. At first the midwife said she found the heartbeat and proceeded to place the fetal monitor on me again. When the fetal monitor still failed to get a heartbeat she left to get the doctor. When they returned the midwife said she had gotten a low heart rate before but now couldn't find anything. Only a few moments passed after the doctor returning and not finding a heartbeat with the ultrasound to me being rushed to delivery.

To this day I feel a great hatred for how uncaring these nurses were and how slowly everyone was to act. I am told that I should be thankful for such quick action as we checked in at 6:50 am & Adaline was delivered at 7:23 am. Apparently, it is unheard of for things to move so quickly but I still wonder how different our outcome might have been if any of them had acted with a sense of emergency in the beginning. Maybe there would be no difference and maybe I just want to be able to blame someone but I feel like those precious seconds could have changed so much. If they had only realized my uterus had ruptured when I said the pain between contractions was constant or acted with haste when the heartbeat couldn't be found or even acted more concerned when a low heart rate was found just moments before delivery. Looking back I feel like just a small change in how any of this went could have prevented Adaline from going without oxygen for so long. But I'll never know and Matt & I will always live with the pain of her loss and wonder if anything could have changed it.

When I came to, I was in a different room with Matt and my brother, Gary, watching over me. Matt tells me they are taking Adaline to Arkansas Children's Hospital, they had to resuscitate her at birth and they are now doing everything possible to prevent further damage to her brain. Somehow I was naive enough to think that since she was alive, everything was okay. I was still in a lot of pain and I drifted in and out of consciousness but I didn't worry for the life of my little girl as they showed her to my briefly in the transport box. Matt left me to go with her to Arkansas Children's and by that time my mom and brother were both there to care for me.

Once I became fully alert, I was anxious to get out of the hospital and go to my daughter too. We had several visitors during my short stay and while we were all concerned about Adaline's well being at

the time I still thought we were lucky to all be okay. From what Matt and I were told by the doctor's at that time she was being cooled to prevent further damage to the brain and once that was over they would bring her off the sedation and we would evaluate her needs from there. No one mentioned at that time that she could die, I understood that there could be challenges, but not death. So I sat, recovering in the hospital just a few miles away, and I smiled and laughed with little worry for the days ahead.

I walked out of the hospital just a few minutes after they discharged me, I wasn't even willing to wait for a wheelchair. I was by no means recovered from my surgery but between the pain killers and my strong will, nothing was keeping me from my little girl any longer. Matt and I headed straight for Children's and he wheeled me up to her space in the NICU. The moment I saw her laying there so vulnerable, I began to cry, it brought back so many memories of Warren. She was still in the process of cooling as this continues for 72 hours and wasn't moving much. The doctor's explained this was normal as she was heavily sedated and on pain killers to make her comfortable. Her brain waves were being monitored for seizures with the use of an EEG and she was intubated to help breathe. Nothing at the time was unusual and the doctor's seemed unconcerned, making me fell like everything was going to be okay.

That next morning, I received a phone call from the hospital informing me that Adaline had started having seizures again and that she was being given more seizure medication. As I hung up the phone I started crying because the seriousness finally hit me. Even if everything was okay with Adaline, I remembered how hard the NICU days were with Warren. Having your heart stop every time your phone rang, just knowing it was going to be bad news.

In the days to come, they brought Adaline back up to normal temperature but nothing else changed. She barely moved, aside to a twitch of her wrist and a stubborn clenching of her fists. Nor did she open her eyes. The next day, they took Adaline back for an MRI to assess the damage. Matt & I were so impatient to know the results. Fortunately they allowed us to hold her for the very first time that day before putting her back in her bed. It felt so good to be able to hold her finally, she was already 5 days old. From that day on they did & moved whatever they had to to let Matt and I hold her.

We found out later that day, that Adaline had severe brain damage and was being categorized as a level 3 Hypoxic-Ischemic Encephalopathy (HIE). It was at that time, in that little conference room, that I realized we weren't just facing challenges, but that I might be faced with having to let another baby go. Up until that point, Matt & I had remained pretty positive, but the rug had just been pulled from under us. I don't think a day has gone by since then that I haven't cried. From this point, we were hoping for a miracle and waiting for Adaline to prove everyone wrong.

Over the next several weeks, we had our ups and downs in the NICU. It seemed that Adaline was starting to breathe on her own and we might be able to remove the ventilator but then she never could quite kick it. Matt and I were able to enjoy lots of snuggle time. Once all the EEG monitors were removed, we finally got to bathe and dress her for the first time. She took to feeding from a tube well and pottied more than frequently (although Matt and I were thrilled to change every diaper we could). We even had a private photo shoot for her newborn pictures. I would have given anything to see her turn red-faced, kick, scream, and cry. But instead, she remained our Sleeping Beauty no matter how many little kisses I planted on her face.

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The doctor's spoke with us frequently, reminding us that her condition was not improving and that we needed to make the move to remove her life support. I just couldn't do it, I wanted them to be wrong! I just knew, if we gave her time we would come in one day and everything would be fine. My heart ached for her to be better. I evaded family and friends, I only had time for Matt and Adaline. Once again I prayed, I begged God, I bartered with God, but he didn't answer.

We moved Adaline, into a private room after much urging from the doctor's and nurses. They wanted us to be able to enjoy our time with her privately and have as many visitors as we pleased. I also think they wanted to shield the other families from our tears and us from being surrounded by babies who functioned normally. That night, I was jerked from sleep by the ringing of my phone. My stomach sank as I realized it wasn't the alarm for me to pump but rather the hospital was calling, a nurse informed me that they had nearly lost Adaline. Her breathing tube was causing secretions and since she wasn't able to swallow, it had disrupted her breathing and led to tachycardia. I was ensured she was stable and encouraged to return to the hospital the next morning during normal hours. I discussed it with Matt and we both decided to try and get some rest if we could.

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The next day, I packed a bag so that I could stay the night with Adaline and we headed for the hospital. That day during the rounds the doctor informed us that the event had been much more serious and Adaline actually had to be resuscitated that night. She told us firmly, that we needed to make a decision soon to pull Adaline from life support. She said she understood our need for time but that Adaline was showing signs of digression and there was no hope for her condition to improve. As much as I wanted to fight it, Matt and I both knew she was right. It was selfish for us to keep her, possibly in pain, so that we hurt less. But that didn't make the decision any easier. Matt and I discussed it at length together and cried over it.

The hospital staff did everything in their power to make our loss easier. They took hand & foot prints to be sent off for a Poppy Plate, they had molds done of her fingers and toes, and even gave us forms to fill out for keepsake items. While I am thankful for those keepsakes and memories, I was also aggravated. As if "stuff" was going to make losing our baby okay? I know that's by no means the intention but this was not easy for us.

With heavy hearts, Matt and I finally agreed to follow the doctor's orders but we asked for a few more days. We wanted to share our little girl with the world finally. We invited family and friends to come and visit but did not discuss the situation. It helped for the moment to just be able to enjoy our little girl and show her off without pain and tears. It also allowed us to selfishly have her all to ourselves during her last moments on earth. Once again Matt & I held our little one tight while saying goodbye.

I am thankful for the love and support we received from family, friends, and coworkers during this difficult time. I truly couldn't go on without it. While Matt and I tend to be private people, it is good to know we are surrounded by those who care. I can say I wish I had never been through anything so traumatic as to learn who is really there for you in life but I am blessed to know I am NOT alone in this. I will forever cherish the heartbeat recording a fellow NICU family (and now friends) acquired for us. The countless cards, flowers, and gifts we received will never be forgotten. Thank you all for loving two very brokenhearted people. Matt and I will mend, move forward, and hopefully one day have the strength to try for a family once more.