Warren

So here we are, our world has been turned upside down from OMG we are pregnant! to broken hearts. It's crazy how just knowing you could have been parents can change your life so much. I mean we never brought home a baby, or even met ours, so you would think going back to being a non-pregnant, childless couple would be no big deal. WRONG! Now Matt and I want children and are ready to try again. We meet with my OB, come up with a game plan for future pregnancies, and are told to wait a minimum of three months before actively trying again. So that's what we do, I pick up a prescription for high dose folic acid to lower the risk of neural tube defects and we wait. Along the road we slowly pick up the broken pieces of our lives; go the beach, go to Colorado, I quite the sweatshop and start working at a Pharmaceutical Company. We don't forget our loss but we move on.

July was finally here! The day had come when we could try again for a family. So try we did.

It's August, I just knew I would be pregnant by now. But instead, I cry brokenly when I get my period.

September

October

November, still not pregnant. I am frustrated and sad. How can we accidentally get pregnant on birth control and not instantly get pregnant trying?! We go camping. I tell Matt, all I want for my birthday and Christmas is a baby. He doesn't come all the way through as babies take some time and I had only given him a couple of weeks but we do find out we're pregnant! After coming home to find a seriously obnoxious, lovey Breck I decided to take a pregnancy test mid-November even though it's just a bit early. Excitedly (except Breck, I think he's jealous) we find we are finally pregnant! Matt and I decide to tell no one until we get our Quad Screen results as we learned the hard lesson that 12 weeks is not a real guarantee for a safe pregnancy. It feels like it will be easier if the only broken hearts are our own and no one is sad for us if this pregnancy fails as well.

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We skip through the holidays without revealing our little secret. Our Quad Screen results came back good and the anatomy scan confirmed we had a healthy baby boy on the way! After keeping our big news a secret for so long I was still scared to share and also wanted to let the family know a cuter way than a phone call. So we waited, I mean we still had time, he wasn't due until the end of August.

I get a new job working at Kimberly Clark in February, now three months pregnant. I had been trying to get on with the company since October and was so scared they would hate me when I told them I was pregnant so I kept the secret from my coworkers as well. At least I thought it was a secret from my coworkers. I got called out by the HR lady the first week when she went over benefits. She was happy for me and thought nothing of me starting the job pregnant but I thought might direct boss may be more upset so I still kept my news to myself. Then the day came to order uniforms and my coworker Amber (a dear friend now) straight up told me to order larges so I wouldn't have to worry about fitting into them. I was shocked, I thought I was hiding it so well. My shocked silence caused her to think she had misjudged to which she started turning red and trying to explain herself. I quickly relieved her discomfort and explained that we had been keeping it a secret. My coworkers & boss were thrilled, to my relief, but thought I was crazy for not telling my family yet.

In March, I made a trip to Texarkana to see Beauty & the Beast with my Mom. I wore a special shirt that said: "Beauty & the Bump" to announce the big news. I just knew she would be SO excited the moment she saw me and read the shirt. But she didn't say anything, it hurt my feelings a little. Didn't she get it? Couldn't she see my growing belly? I was obviously pregnant if my coworkers guessed right? I saw my brother and his girlfriend, went to lunch, went to the movies. No one said anything! What the heck?! Then as we were walking around in Best Buy a lady stopped me saying "OMG I love your shirt, congratulations." As I thanked her my mom started crying. She had noticed my shirt and had been waiting for me to say something as she was so afraid she was wrong and my feelings would be hurt. HAHA crazy mom! My brother later tells us he noticed immediately as well but was NOT about to be the guy that asked a woman if she was pregnant no matter what her shirt said. Smart man. At that point, my mom & I launch into endless baby discussions. Gender, due date, potential baby names, nursery ideas, we were so excited. There was a lot to plan but we had months to go.

April 12, I wake up and feel not right but can't pinpoint anything particularly wrong. Matt drops me off at work and a little later that day I started feeling cramps. I call the OB's office and we discuss my symptoms. The nurse tells me that it sounds like nothing but they will go ahead and see me that afternoon just for peace of mind. I try to remain calm like the nurse said but I'm starting to feel anxious. I tell my boss that I have to leave for a doctor's appointment at lunch and confide my worry. I remember saying that I wouldn't make it if I lost another child, she tells me don't worry it will be fine, trust the doctor's office. Matt picks me up for lunch and we go home. We decided that since the doctor's office wasn't worried I would go in by myself since he had a job interview that afternoon. I barely ate any lunch because of the worry and ended up leaving for the doctor's office early. As I arrived my cramps were getting worse and when I got out of the truck at the doctor's office I felt a gush. Panicked I ran up to the doctor's office restroom. When I exited the restroom I luckily saw Charlotte, I tearfully told her I was bleeding. Honestly, looking back I'm surprised she understood a word coming out of my mouth, I was so distressed. She rushed me into a room and immediately checked for babies heartbeat. Once she found it she tried to calm me down, reassured me that this happens sometimes and that the doctor would see me immediately.

Dr. Heulitt came in shortly after and found I was contracting and 2 cm dilated. From there it was a whirlwind. They put me in a wheelchair and ran me down the halls to the connected hospital. When we got to labor & delivery there were at least ten doctors and nurses awaiting my arrival. I remember them asking me to strip down immediately and at that time being mortified of all those people seeing me naked. As the prepped me, it really began to sink in how serious this was and that I was all alone. Someone helped me try to call Matt, who didn't answer, and then my mom. My mom while rushing to Little Rock from Texarkana got Matt on the phone shortly after. Luckily Matt made it to the hospital while they were still trying to prep me for delivery. The doctors had hoped to stop or delay the labor by administering Magnesium but the baby was going into distress. He was breech so I was going to have to undergo an emergency c-section. The nurses told me if I got an epidural they would allow my husband to go back into surgery with me. When Matt entered the room they immediately gowned him up while repeatedly stabbing me for the epidural. For some reason, they were having a lot of trouble but finally got it at the last minute. I was wheeled back for surgery and was really starting to get scared. It was too soon, I wasn't ready, he wasn't ready. I laid there for a moment and started to get anxious about seeing this surgery happen to me when they said the anesthesia wasn't working fast enough. Moments later they put me under and I remember this brief sense of relief as I drifted off that everything would be okay.

I delivered baby boy at 3:12 PM that same day. He weighed a whopping 1 pound & 11 ounces which was actually pretty good for a baby delivered at 24 weeks. When I came to, Matt let me know he was stable and they had moved him to the NICU. I think he actually had to tell me this multiple times as I kept drifting in and out. I was so thankful, he was okay and I was okay, it really was all going to be okay. Matt had to call his parents at the hospital to tell them the news, we hadn't even finished letting everyone know we were pregnant so I'm sure it was a shock for most. Later that evening, they wheeled me in to see him and I was amazed at our strong, little guy. After much discussion and the hospital staffs annoyance, we named him a day or so later Warren Estes Gill. Warren is Matt's middle name and Estes after one of our favorite areas in beautiful Colorado.

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Anyone who has had experience in the NICU will tell you the stay is like riding a roller coaster. We had wonderful days where all the news was positive (he's doing well on feeds, his brain shows no bleeds or signs of trauma) immediately followed by bad days (his heart valve isn't closing he may need surgery, we had to go up on the ventilator). Matt and I visited daily spending hours reading to the little guy or with our finger in his little hands or touching his toes. It's hard seeing your baby in a little box being poked and prodded, knowing your body betrayed you of keeping him safe. But I am so thankful for those moments. I'll never forget the day he opened his eyes or the first time I changed his diaper.

While Matt and I understood the odds weren't good for Warren being born so early, we had hope. Warren was strong and for the most part, all the news was positive. Until four days into his stay when a little black speck appeared on the lob of his ear. We, of course, were not happy with this especially when they told us it was a bed sore but it was the least of our concerns at the time. Then the speck proceeded to grow and cover his ear; they told us he would likely lose the ear and need a prosthetic. Matt and I were furious! We asked what they were doing to make it better and we were worried about infection. We even wanted to move him to the Children's Hospital down the road. We found out that they hadn't been documenting the sore and that what to do about his condition each day was up to the attending nurse. Some of the nurses would tell us the sore was getting better, some would say worse but there was no hard evidence either way because they hadn't even taken a picture. Some nurses were keeping the area dry others were covering it in salve. The doctor's called us at home when he was about two weeks old to tell us not to worry after we expressed all of our concerns, Warren was in good hands. They were doing everything necessary to ensure he went home a healthy baby. We were told the sore was an unfortunate thing that happened to many babies in the NICU and that while he may lose an ear he would otherwise be fine. They discouraged us from moving him, telling us that he was in critical condition and a move could kill him. Just a few days later, a different doctor called us on his rounds to tell us Warren's sore condition had worsened and they were sending him to Children's Hospital. When we arrived at Baptist, I was surprised to see that the sore hadn't worsened it was just that this doctor actually realized how bad the infection was.

Warren wasn't at Children's for more than 10 hours before he passed away. The doctors there did everything that they could but it was too late. They sat Matt and me down to tell us that Warren's sore was actually an infection caused by Aspergillus niger, common mold. It had reached his brain and it would be cruel to keep him on life support any longer in this condition. My heart shattered with this news, it seemed so sudden. We had our challenges but Matt and I really thought Warren was going to come home. I remember saying that I hadn't even got to hold him yet. Life was just so unfair.

Matt and I were able to spend the last moments of his life holding him and telling him how much we loved him.

That day was absolutely one of the hardest in my life. Matt and I drove home that evening emotionally exhausted and in so much pain. I will never forget how hard it rained that night, making me feel like even Mother Nature felt my pain. The next day I remember telling Matt that I wanted him back, that I wasn't ready to let him go. I crazily wanted to go back to the hospital and hold him once more. This was so much harder than losing a pregnancy, so much more real.

In the days after, the pain didn't let up. We didn't know how to handle this, as no one should. Looking back I think we eventually both buried our grief along with our son so that we could survive. It might not be the healthiest way to manage it but it's the best we could do. We both still break down occasionally when a specific day approaches or a holiday nears but we have also learned to live once again. Forever changed.