Voluntarily Childless

There was a time, just a few years ago, where Matt and I chose to be childfree. Our relationship wasn't new, we had stable jobs, and a nice house but we just weren't ready for kids yet and weren't sure if we would ever be. We used to joke that we would get one of those car window decals with a stick couple and a big pile of money in place of the stick kids. Looking back, I guess I was only happy about being childless because I didn't know what I was missing.

Of course, that all changed one day when I was thinking about how my waistline seemed to be growing no matter what I did and how incredibly exhausted I had become. Which for some reason led to the thought that I might be pregnant. At first, I laughed to myself for ever thinking such a thing, I was on birth control and had been for nearly 10 years so there was no way. But to prove it to myself I took a pregnancy test which came back with a big fat positive. Still in denial, I decided the pregnancy test I had taken must have been old or defective (Everyone knows I love something free even if I don't need it & I had gotten this free in the mail over a year ago). I called my OB-GYN and scheduled an appointment, telling them I might be pregnant but would like them to administer a test to be sure. The receptionist at that time explained that while pregnancy tests often give false negatives it was highly unlikely that I had gotten a false positive, but ever stubborn as I am, I wanted to hear it from the doctor so I waited.

I didn't peep a word to anyone during this time and even went to the doctor's appointment all by myself. At the appointment I had soon after, I learned not only was I pregnant I was just over 11 weeks pregnant! How was I 11 weeks I asked? I hadn't missed a period and was on birth control, she explained sometimes this happens but there was no doubt I was pregnant. As I left the office, I was a little bit excited but mostly ohh so nervous to tell Matt. We hadn't planned for this! Was he going to be mad? I worried myself sick thinking about how he was going to react. Somehow even though I wasn't thrilled at the time, the thought of him being unhappy about our pregnancy was unbearable.

It was nearly Valentine's so I picked up a card, had the ultrasound pictures placed inside, and gave it to him as an early present. (For those of you who know Matt, he LOVES to get presents early.) I watched his face as he read and opened the card, nervously awaiting his response. At first, he was shocked and quiet, but as the news sunk in he began to smile. He gave me a big hug and my fears melted away, he was happy!

Of course, happiness quickly leads to nervousness, as we started discussing how much things would change and what we needed to do to prepare. We called parents & friends to let them in on the big news. I'm pretty sure my Mom thanked God for those words that she never thought she would hear. I told my boss and then had the privilege of learning that the sweatshop I worked for continued to disappoint. As the company was a small business (that made millions), I was NOT guaranteed Family Medical Leave, I was NOT guaranteed my job or any job when I returned from maternity leave, and (to top it off) they would not be paying my insurance premium while I was out (an additional $1,000 for two months on top of not being paid). Matt and I were, of course worried, about how to make ends meet but the feeling of those little kicks and twirls in my belly melted away any concern, we would just make it work.

Unfortunately, just four short weeks later our world would change again (this time for the worst). At my next doctor's appointment, my blood was taken for the quad screen and the results were not good. The result levels for a neural tube defect were 4x greater than normal and I would have to see a high-risk OB-GYN to confirm. I remember getting the phone call while at work and having the sinking feeling even though they told me not to worry as the blood screen can sometimes be wrong. Matt and I waited anxiously for that next ultrasound to confirm or deny a problem. It seemed like we were in the waiting room forever, which I found incredibly inconsiderate considering the worry we were going through. Once we finally went back and started the ultrasound it all seemed fine at first. They showed us feet and hands and made comments as if everything was fine, I started to relax. Then we took a look at the brain and the words I heard were heartbreaking. Matt held my hand as I cried and the doctor proceeded to tell us our little one had signs of Anencephaly, the neural tube near the base of the skull had failed to close causing abnormal development of the brain.

We lost the baby at 17 weeks and it changed our lives forever. I'll never forget the day, it was "Good Friday", how cruel. I was devastated and angry at the world for changing my life plans and then causing me to crave a baby after we lost ours. It was so unfair, I looked around and saw so many children brought into the world without a thought. Why did my story have to be different?

I regret so much about that pregnancy. Letting worry cloud my enjoyment for those few weeks. Not finding out the sex of the baby because I thought the more I knew, the more real the pregnancy was, the harder the loss would be. Going back to work just a couple days later rather than truly mourning because society said my loss should be a private one. But I don't regret getting pregnant, for feeling love for my little peanut that I never met or named, and I never will.