We've Come Full Circle

Here I am again in the same place this journey began, feeling just as broken as I did when we started. In July of 2017 I first met Dr. Sandlin and while my heart was broken and we were still grieving, I clung desperately to hope. Matt & I were referred to him so that we could discuss what our next move would be should we pursue another pregnancy, as the first two had left us childless. We had lost Warren three months prior but couldn't wait to try again, we wanted to do everything right.

Fast forward to today and I find that doing everything right still leaves me shattered. I sit here in this office being told the same things about how life isn't fair and there is a bigger purpose. But for me, I can honestly say I don't care about the potential for this to lead me to "better" things. I think I speak for everyone who has been in my shoes that I will NEVER look back on my life and say, "Oh yeah. I'm glad I lost Warren & Adaline, since without them I would not have done XYZ." I know I'll make it through this and one day it won't hurt so bad but it doesn't make getting there any easier.

Yet, I still feel consumed by the NEED to have a baby. I think of Warren & Adaline and how happy I was to just BE with them, to hold them, to kiss their little fingers and toes, I need that back. Possibly, the only thing that gets me through the day is planning how I can bring home a healthy baby. Planning on breaking this cycle that leaves holes in my heart.